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It seems to be a habit of mine to post texts that are skewed towards complaining rather than something else but I hope future ones will be more diverse.

This one is really important to me because it’s about a feeling I have a lot and it’s that need to silence myself. Not in a “I won’t talk at all” way but more in
a “I don’t think it’s worth it to say anything” way. It’s not a low confidence thing since I can observe on social media that what I have to say isn’t worse than that, that’s for sure. It’s the fact that given wide choice of stuff to pay attention to a lot of people choose only their own interests (a better option) or whatever algorithm says (a worse one) rather than listening to me or reading what I have to say and I mean why would they?

Only people that have already established relation to me would listen to me because they are complied by their status towards me. Obviously my parents listen to me because that’s what good parents do. Of course, my close friends listen to me because that’s what good friends do. I would just like to expand my social circle and I have questions whether what I have to express on my own is actually interesting enough to be able to achieve that. Maybe, it’s a self-doubt thing after all or maybe it’s just some sorts of crisis of faith in an average person taste that people can’t even say what is worthwhile anymore because they are so accustomed to the algorithm roulette of content saving their losses with one fun thing they’ll remember after series of slop.

I just tend to delete messages more than actually send them. I prefer to listen more before saying anything. I sometimes write an entire message and after consideration decide that it’s not worth it to comment on that. It’s more often than not in private messages rather than public ones. I just sometimes give up before conversation starts. I doubt my interpretation of others’ words or willingly choose a more positive or complex one, or I’m afraid to annoy or insult their intellect. I don’t want to sound pretentious or like I’m overthinking (even though I love doing that) and I think in the result I’m less of myself just because I try so much to be the most digestible version of myself to others.

Just because I want to say something isn’t a reason enough to do so and that
I don’t want to change. What haunts me is that in condition where I can allow myself to say whatever I still don’t just because I don’t want to be seen as too much or take too much of someone else’s time and I think that line of thinking might be to my detriment. I’ve been told by my closest family that I should be more of a bitch and I don’t think it’s about being mean. It’s about expressing yourself truly even though sometimes people won’t understand that fully and sometimes will even misconstrue that.

I’ve spend a long time in the closet and I don’t think I did that only in terms of my sexuality. I think I also do that a lot in terms of my personality. I just hold myself back and I don’t think I do that for the right reasons all the time.
I’m afraid that most of the time I do that not to be anything, just to be the most nothing because it’s the only way to never accidentally hurt anyone.
It’s also not the way to live your life.